I had an epiphany. Lying in my bed. That’s pretty unusual for me: I usually have my epiphanies when I’m sitting on the toilet or brushing my teeth. Not
kidding! Anyways, I suddenly had this insight and the light, feeling and warmth inside me grew:
Yes, that’s it! That is it. I am free.
Now let’s back up a bit. I have had depressions for 20 years (on and off, not constantly, thank goodness!) and my life has sort of sucked the last couple of years. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but it’s safe to say I never felt free. Not at all. So this is a real surprise.
My mind was wondering, like minds like to do, and I was thinking about the day and making plans for tomorrow – knowing full well that I shouldn’t make too many plans, especially not when I don’t have to and when I am lying in bed trying to fall asleep.
So, I took a few deep breaths, reconnecting with my body, relaxing and focussing on the moment, trying to let all else go.
And suddenly I realised that there was only this moment (yes, I know we all know that!) and that there was only 1 me in this moment: The present me. Camilla Now, we can call her. So Camilla Now breathes and exists right now. Not in the past and not in the future – not in this form. Not like now.
Future Camilla will be different from today, she will have learnt stuff (hopefully!), she will have made new experiences and met new people. She will be different. In fact, there will be a multitude of Future Camillas, all a little bit different from Camilla Now.
And that goes to say for all the Past Camillas. All of them. The Kid Camillas, the Teenie Camillas, the Depressed Camillas, the Student Camillas and so on. Lots of them.
And I don’t need them anymore.
I could see them all in front of me: All the Camillas of the past like shadow figures, real, but then again not quite real. Like made of smoke or shadow. And I felt I could really let them go. Really. I didn’t have to hold on to any of them – which of course I deny that I’m doing, since I’ve been trying to let go of all of that for a very long time. But I had been holding on. By identifying with them. Thinking they made me who I am, which of course they did, but I am not them. They are gone. Like smoke. And then I could feel the weight I was carrying around, dragging along like a giant metal ball and chain, just like a prisoner out of an old Lucky Luke cartoon.
But I understood I could let them all go, because the new me, Camilla Now, has learnt what she needed to learn from them, and she is just a version of me, one of the many expressions of my True Self here on Earth, here in this lifetime.
Why is this so important, you might ask.
Because the Angels have been telling me for so long to let go of my past. That I could let go of my depressions. Sounds crazy, I know. The depressions are not the same like before, nowadays it’s more a feeling of being completely lost. Having let go of big chunks of my past, but not managed to open a new door, yet. At least, not consciously. Therefore I was wondering what it would be like if I didn’t have all those memories: If one day I didn’t have the weight of all those years, if I didn’t see myself with those eyes and all the frustration that sometimes comes along with it.
And I thought, that apart from the fear and frustration of such an amnesia, it would be really nice not to carry that load around with me. To not see myself and my life through those glasses.
And I can! I can let them go.
I can’t forget about my past and I neither want to nor have to, but it doesn’t have importance any longer. It doesn’t exist – except for in my mind. Outside of my mind the Past Camillas don’t exist, they’re not real. And so I can let them go. Finally.
Stop seeing the present situation through the lenses of past selves, but really take each day fresh. Start it without the weight of all those days before, all those
expectations, all the successes and failures and all the rest. Just fresh. A brand new morning. Just like Dolly Parton sings: “I can see the light of a brand new day” (Light of a Clear Blue
Check out the lyrics, they are beautiful. And by the way, The Wailin' Jennys sing a soulful acapella version of this song.
If we can let go of the past, really let go of it, then anything is possible, the Angels are saying. Anything. And I see the picture of chains breaking, falling apart and setting us free. All of us. As soon as we are ready for it.
Because, as the Angels are saying, our fear is the biggest obstacle standing in our way on our path to freedom. We are scared of being free. We are afraid of being who we truly are, because we have no idea who that person is. We just know all our Past Selves. And so we identify with them and automatically hold on. But we don’t have to. We can let them go.
In order to do that, we need acknowledge how much we are still holding on. To fear, to past experiences, anger, hurt etc. All of it. Can go in the trash. Are you ready? Are you really ready or would you rather hold on to your anger or your fear a while longer, because you are used to them? And because you think that they might protect you?
When you are truly ready to let go – I mean truly ready – then it’s a piece of cake (apparently). You just need to realise that you are not them and that you are Me Now or however you want to call yourself and that this is just another version of the Real You. The big, fancy, spectacular you that you really are.
And when you accept that you are amazing because you are actually so much bigger than you think, you can let go.
Anchored, deeply rooted in your True Self and in the version that is here now, the Me Now, you can finally let go of all the rest.
You don’t need it anymore.
“Oh, freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Yeah, freeedooom!!!!”
Aretha is singing in my head. J
(Think by Aretha Franklin)